The Girl Next Door? Not Exactly...

Sessioon Maurissimissimoga.

2011-07-31T16:52:00.002+03:00

Self- decadence

2010-12-09T23:32:00.004+02:00

Self-decadence

A sweet decadence of mine
Will ease up your pain, your mind
I'll cry out all my aching sorrow
And fall in the bitterness of a dark tomorrow

You laugh at me - you see the sun
I cry for me, who I cannot run
Doubts are running through my mind
I'm seeking for a place silent so I look behind...
***************

Falling

Falling in the deeps of myself
I'm taking all my feelings out,
those, which didn't stay on a shelf;
those, which I'm afraid to think about.

I'm dying in a wish to just shout
And cry out, cry my damaged heart out.
And let me go to the time
that doesn't flow
ANYMORE
I don't know
Where I am.

I don't simply understand
the deep things that came out.
But once they're in the daylight
I fight,
I fight
cause my feelings don't seem right.

And I will go and I will flow
in the daylight again
with my own mind
like it were my friend.

Well, actually it isn't
or maybe...
Well, I don't know!
I don't even care!
I just go,
Flow.
**************

-LA-

So... What's been up?

2010-10-19T20:33:00.003+03:00

Not that much, as I think of it.
Mostly me feeling more than doing.
I'm reading things about the ancient history and at the moment, chewing myself through a series of archaeological terms and events which are written down in "Underworld: The Mysterious Origins of Civilization" by Graham Hancock. That's a nice big book to read, about 600 pages of scientific fun. I'm just barely awake after only half an hour of reading... =)
My new job is kind of boring - it feels like I'm waiting to grow old. And that's probably what's going to happen, when I can't envolve towards something more ...youthful. I'm twenty, not dead. ;)
After a long time I finally caught flu or something in that manner. The cold was just about to bring me down when suddenly it stopped. I guess it was related to my wish to get better which I had also sent to the Universe. This always works on me. Of course, my other big secret is my darling, my "male nurse", he loves me too much to let me be sick. And while he's always there, I'm mostly just fine.
Now that's something to get up for. Even when I do wake at 12 a.m. xD

So I'm changing again? Nice.

2010-08-20T00:41:00.003+03:00

This wonderful picture is taken from:
http://fc09.deviantart.net/fs30/f/2008/055/4/b/The_Golden_Flower_by_TheLionofOZ.jpg

It's really been a while since I last wrote, but there's a good explanation for this pause. You see, there has to be something intriguing to start writing. I can't just open this New Post page without having any idea of the things I wish to tell. Something's got to push.
For the last times I've had something really nice to think about - the energies of the Universe. There has been a great deal of (mostly) positive lessons which have shown me, that I'm not alone at all. The best lesson from the last days is about the power of Wish.
I worked as a stewardess on a ship and I didn't get any tip for the whole evening, not even a dime. Then I thought (because I made some big spending in a shop on the last day) that I really would like some tip, because it would balance my financial status. One Minute Later I found money just laying on the floor waiting for me to pick it up. No one was there to claim it so smilingly, that my wish came true with one minute, I took it. Half an hour later, still amazed by the way my thought's could race to become material things, I found almost exactly as much money I had found before, but now on the stairs. I waited for the owner to show up, but (s)he didn't, so I continued my walk to my cabin with twice as much money I had found on the first time and went to bed thinking about these amazing things that are happening with just one glance.
The second thing life thought me lately is that sometimes you really have to jump in the water in a place you're in for the first time, because it might be the only opportunity to swim there at all. It happened so, that on the day when I came off the ship I was told there's a job I could try on the day after. As I went there on the next day I was directly pushed into action and I did well. Then came a boss and he was suprised of me being there as he hadn't invited me yet. But as he spoke on, he had another job to offer, which (when I think of it now) even suited me better and I accepted it, because any job is a job and worth doing as long as you are respecting the tasks and yourself by doing them.
The third amazing thing what I rediscovered is how easy it is to make friends with strangers. You just have to be your natural self and let things go. I communicated in that strange environment with different people and found really interesting acquaintances.
I'm pleased with the knowledges I got and am waiting forward for new ones.
Over and out.
With Light and Love, L.

Finally! It's here! Yay =)

2010-04-12T11:00:00.008+03:00

I love it. I adore it. I love it. Oops, I already said that, didn't I? Aahh. Happens. I can't get over of the fact that the spring is here. My most favorite season of all times. The most beautiful and gorgeous time of the year. And it's nothing to do with my birthday. Although, I admit, it has been nice to wake up at that day and smell the fresh air...
Mmm...Awesome. I can't wait to take my bike and go for a ride. And then for another... And another. And I'll take out mu roller skates and try to ride with them without falling. That sounds like a nice plan to me.
I'm still looking for a job. Last week I had a really nice interview. The woman, who interviewed, was also really pretty. At the end of the month she probably will call and tell me, which the results are. If not than not.
Oww, I remembered, that... I actually spoke german the whole friday last week. We had a german professor named Friedrich Heilmann with his wife here. This was his fourth time here and he held a lecture about family issues and I was asked to come and translate the event. That was awesome and it went quite well with translating too. We kind of practiced for it. Friedrich's wife, Gordula, is a church teacher in Erkner, where they live. They gave me a church visit card. This will be one really of a kind in my visit card collection. =)

Ou yeah, the spring is in the air.

2010-03-10T13:54:00.003+02:00

I am really tired of winter, can we just get it over with?

So much has happened since I last posted something.

I actually wore that dress which I had been given. That was really pretty.

Now, as the school is over, I have tasted some of so called "freedom" and I must say, that it doesn't differ that much from the schooldays - I just have a bit more time. A bit.

I miss the smith classes, the german classes which I and Constanze ran and some other things too.. Friends as well. I actually had some.

I still do.

Last monday I went to the Estonian National Library to listen what a known filmmaker and writer Jüri Lina would say about himself, what would be the turningpoints of his life which made him who he is. One of them of course would be the fact that Estonia wasn't free and everything envolving an idea of common sense or liberty was forbidden. The other one was his grandmother, a woman who said "possible" when others said "impossible". If she had believed the others, her grandson wouldn't walk... already for a half of century. Now that's something to think about, isn't it?

I remember that in my last post I said I would read. I still haven't done that, I haven't had the motivation to just sit still and ... read. But I'm going to do this... one day :)

Until that.. I'm waiting for the first flowers to bloom, the first walk with nothing but a T-shirt and some nice skirt on and that first rollerskatetour on the promenade. . .

And that's something to wait for.

Still here, still me.

2010-01-23T21:59:00.003+02:00

This is an easy pick - chocolate!!! Vanilla is not for me. =D

I'm less than a month away from my graduation. I know what people would ask me now, if this was an actual conversation...And the answer is: Yes, I do know what to wear. I'm really not that desperate that I'd buy a dress which I would find in the last minute and which I'll only use once. Actually someone has given me the one I'm going to wear - and I like it. ;)

I don't wanna leave. I really like this school. Every year a bit more since the early beginning. This school has changed me so much better and the people here as well. Ok, I admit that there are some pathetic excuses for "classmates", who I would have rather not met, but seeing them less and less makes me a bit more friendly. . .

But after I do finish my studies there, I'm going to read. Children of the Matrix and the Zecharia Sitchin's books will be my mental food. And chocolate - the physical one.

Quit Christmasizing me!

2009-12-17T20:53:00.001+02:00

My gosh, I don't remember taking this photo! Was I That drunk? =D

Anyways.. shit happens.

Now let me tell you a secret: it might be possible, that I could sit still and behave myself during these big important (read as: overrated) holidays if only. . . They ( read as: other humanoids) would stop shoving all of their christmas-anxiety right in my ass. I mean, How on earth can it all be so thrilling? With two months of foreplay?! And why are those shovers amazed, that I hate it all?
Yes, I am writing about the bad emotions.. again. You caught me. Let's restart.
Actually I have had some pleasant happenings as well. The school threw some cash in the wind and many well-learning students catched it, I as one of them. And then there was a woman, who happened to have a dress she wouldn't wear and which she gave to me. A really nice black dress. I just might wear it on my graduation. . .
I actually think, that I'm having a really nice life here. One huge part of it is made perfect by my man, who is like a really warm pillow around me whenever I need comfort... But yeah, this is another subject to discuss. I myself am sometimes not believing that I've still really got him by my side.
I wish for us a happy future ;)

What, 5th of September already?

2009-09-05T01:12:00.004+03:00

Yeah, it's me on the picture ;)

Okay, I'll expose my big secret: somebody tranquillized me for some days and now I'm having the side effects, like ...that buzzing in my head. Not cool. Mkmm.

I'm just wondering, where does all the time go? Really, what happens with the past - that thrilling kiss you had with somebody you barely knew, the last minute, hour, day? Does it just stay in the air or go to a parallel Universe? Damn, I can feel it in my bones - yeah, the three movies I watched tonight are making me go insane. Okay, they were all awesome, but very different: House of Flying Daggers, Gran Torino and Fighting.

The first was a Korean love story, the second an inspiring tale about a man who fought in Vietman and had war in his heart long after the war ...and the third about a guy who believed himself and made big bucks with fighting.

The movie, that gave me the most would be the first one. It had so great feelings wrapped in it that I was kind of teary-eyed when I saw the ending. No, I won't tell, what kind of an ending that was, you've got to see it yourself.

And now, as the clock is nearing 2 am I feel the causes of drinking a 1,5l cider all alone - a headache. Yaaay ;) Really silly, I know. Next time I'll grab a friend and another cider as well xD

Well...I've been stonger, though. In Germany I amazed old men with the Stroh 80 shots. But, anyone can do it.

The hell with it. Wish me a pleasant night, because I'm heading for the bed. (And a smooth morning ;P)

Uuhh..what a day.

2009-09-02T00:58:00.005+03:00

Now... everybody knows that I am not an american citizen. (*A big nodd*)
And..that I go to a school that gives you a nice occupation, like cook, a blacksmith or a car technician. (*Nodds, lots of them*) Umm..and they just teach the usual pathetic light, shadowy form of english in case if you ever need to say: My name is Patty and I'm a sex-addict. (*Stunned looks*)

The question is: how the hell do I get to speak english all day with a guy from the US? How does somebody from United States even find a way to Estonia??? =D There are no direct flights from New York, they must go through London or something so I'm wondering about the possibilities...

I had to let it out, you know. Oh, God, how hard it is to talk with somebody, who's hyperactive (I'm not joking) and with a dog that needs to hear it's name - Ginger - repeatedly (on the guy's oppinion).

I was nice to him, I really was because I usually really enjoy conversations with foreign people. Well, today I changed my mind and now I think that I only like germans. xD

Oh, we have a substitute teacher in our school for at least half a year, whooaa. She's actually from Germany and seems glad to be here. I introduced myself and said that if there was anything she needed.... I would've liked to know someone like that in Germany ...I sometimes felt so alone there.

Awww...you know my weakness now, destroy me. ;P

But yeah, does anybody have ideas, what to do with 3 free weeks? One possibility is to just sit still and not to disturb Time, as it flows to become the Grey Area Of Past. Naaah, doesn't fit to me. Ok, one idea is.. yes - to go to school, but really I need to get a clue, if the time there is worth it. Perhaps I'll go to the cafe, where the teachers eat and be a humble servant there. But to be back at school... I'd love to do some sports there... perhaps even go jogging.

Lately I'm thinking... that there are many things that beautify a person - some practice Kusudama (a form of Origami) or calligraphy, taking perfect photos and some play an instrument, like flute etc. Now there are so many thngs to try, but which would fit me? Something new and catchy to indicate that there's more in my head than that the overrated thing they call the Master-Mind (but should be named A Pile Of Hay)?

I've thought on a variety options for a week and still no results. Maybe I really have hay instead of brains? Still need to check that up ....;D

Maybe I should go the easy way and learn to play piano...mmm...But yeah, it is even easier to teach, tomorrow I'll give one person motorbike (I don't know a better word in english yet) lessons, yaaay! I hope he lives to tell the story ;D

Enough of that, over and out now.

The Beginning of my first blog.

2009-08-30T11:52:00.001+03:00

I look at this page. Umm.. I've been here like..15 minutes and everything's in english. Damn. Then I'll also write in english..just to fit in, I guess.

Today sucks. Big time. The days with that extrasweet stomachaiche came and knocked me off my feet..straight back to the bed. Of course I'm not able to just sit still an do nothing so I opened my msn and wrote a fitting topic - In pain, if you wish to, join me. I didn't hope to get any attention with it, I just thought that when anybody was thinking about my being silent, he/she would have the reason for it right there to see.

But...somebody came to ask, what was wrong. And he knew, what to suggest to help me. Warm water in a bottle...Yes, that helped. Why didn't I know it before? Why is there internet, if we don't use it to help ourselves?

Yesterday was a great day. Just me, myself and on the evening a warm voice on the phone. After two years it was like...whoaa. We talked like nothing had happened when we.. sort of broke up. Like it should always be when you talk with an old friend. Sounded good.

Yeah, I feel better now. I am better now. Everything is.